Who makes the call anyway??

"T" and I have been going through all the classes and changing things in our home so we are qualified Foster Parents. We actually completed the classes in October of '07, but its been a really slow process ever since. We're hoping to have our final home study sometime within the next week. I am excited about being able to help little kids, but I still really want children of my own. I've never tried drugs or anything like that, so what on earth would cause me to not be able to conceive (and carry) children? "T" and I have worked very hard the last 7 years to accomplish this, but some days it feels like it is completely out of reach; while other days it feels like something we can still do. Its really hard to want something so badly, try for so long, have it run your life, and fear that you will never achieve it.

Who decides who can and who can't anyway? Over the years I've lost faith in what I used to believe in. I know some people's faith grows stronger, and I am glad for those people. But as for me, I have lost my belief in God. I no longer believe one exists. I know people say that God only gives people challenges they can handle, but I don't believe that. I look at world events, people I know, and even "T" and my challenges... Why would a God put "his children" on this earth to suffer? I know if I were a parent I would do anything possible to keep my children from pain. My parents have always done everything possible to keep me and my siblings away from pain - at least anything they could control. If there were a God, wouldnt he be the one creating many of the challenges? In my case Infertility, in other peoples case - starvation, rape, torture. People go through these things every day. If HE only gives challenges to people that HE knows they can handle, then why is there suicide?

I know a lot of people may get mad at me for saying these things. I'm not here to judge people for their believes, and I don't want people to judge me for mine. I am glad there are people out there that do believe in God, I used to be one of them. I am a good person; just because I dont believe there is God anymore doesnt make me a bad person; I just don't believe the same as you may.

There would only be one way I could ever believe in God again. He would have to get his butt down here and talk to "T" and me, tell us why we can't share the same experiences as (almost) all of Humanity has. Tell me why we have spent tens of thousands of dollars to achieve our dream to just have it all cause more pain when we lose our babies. Show me what my little angels look like in Heaven. Show me that it is all going to be ok, and there is a good reason for all of this pain. And then he'd have to answer a whole lot of questions that I have... Why did you decide the "T"and I have to go through all of these struggles to build our family? How can you put humanity through all the pain they have gone through throughout history?

Thats all for today, I just had to get this off my chest.