I've been looking all over the house for my FertilAid the last couple of weeks. A couple of nights ago I finally asked "T" if he threw it away. "Yes." I asked him why he threw it away, and he said that its because he is done trying.
I can understand that he doesnt want to go through the pain anymore... I dont want anymore pain either, but can we really just give up? He doesnt want us to have a child and be too old to play with him/her, but... we are still in our 20's.. even 30's arent too old.... so I dont understand how we could be too old as it is. We have been trying for over 7 years, and we have had many, many heartaches, but it only takes one time to get it right.
We're still waiting around for the Foster people to call us. We're approved Foster Parents, and our main contact lady told us that there are multiple children each day who need homes, so I'm not sure why they havent called us yet. We are eagerly waiting to help children who need us.
I've also been thinking more about maybe finding a surrogate. We can't really afford something like that... but maybe a friend or family member would be willing to do IUI; I know it would be her egg (which she might not go for), but it could result in my and T's baby. I've also thought a little about having me do IUI with someone else's sperm... I'm not completely sure where we're failing here... Is it me? Is it T? Is it the combination of our genes? Or is it something completely different? Are T and I here on earth to have this heartache over and over again? Is this really our HELL (if there is one)?
He wants to give up right now, will he come around? I still have visions of babies... I dream of being pregnant, holding our little ones, tucking them into bed, taking them to Disneyland, surprising them at Christmas time... I have these dreams, day and night.... daily. If I were to get pregnant and the baby ended up in my tube again, I know I could die... but I don't care... I knew early enough last time that there was a problem. I'm sure I could catch it again. If I let myself give up right now, will it destress me enough that I could fall pregnant on my own? If I give up on this dream, am I giving up on myself? I dont wish this pain on anyone... Couples out there that have the gift of being parents should cherish their children.
Hopefully we'll hear something about Foster children soon... T and I are excited to take them shopping to decorate their rooms.
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2 comments:
I can understand where your husband is coming from. My husband and I tried for 10 years to get "pregnant" and sadly it never happened :( Finally after 10 long years of fertility doctors, appointments, IVF's, taking temps, doing ovulation tests ect. I was the one to GIVE UP and say enough is enough. The whole process was taking a toll on me, and on the marriage and I just couldn't take another disappointing negative pregnancy test. I am now 34 years old and I can finally say that I am at peace with my decision. I just feel that everyone has that right to "give up" on something that you don't see happening and because of all the heartache I went through to try and conceive I lost out on alot in my 20's and early 30's. Allow your husband some breathing room and maybe he will decide to try again but if not then you must allow him that freedom because it's his pain too.
Thanks tchellebailey,
About how long did it take you until you knew it was the right decision? I know it is extra difficult now because the decision was finally made, I hope my heart catches up with my hubbies decision soon.
Did you adopt/foster? Or did you decide to live without children?
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