Well, I'm on my 3rd (and final) cycle of Clomid. I've been having some pain on my right side, which feels an awful lot like when I had my tubal pregnancy. These pains are ranging from sharp,quick-stabbing pains that disappear quickly to pain that lasts for hours where I can't even stand up straight. I really hope I am pregnant, but I fear that if I am, it is a tubal. I don't know what I would do if I lost another baby. I guess I'll find out within a few days if I really am pregnant or not. Part of me feels like I am because of these odd pains I have been feeling (which have happened daily since I woke up on Friday the 13th). The other part of me feels like maybe there is something wrong with me that is causing these horrible pains.
We have had our Foster kids back since the beginning of January. They have really settled down here and I can tell they are comfortable with T and I. They say "I Love You" to us everyday, and one of them even tells us not to "let the bed bugs bite" when we tuck them in every night. Although it is hard going from no kids to 3 instantly, the rewards are well worth it! However, it is strange that T and I can't wait for the moments we can just be together by ourselves. Kind-of ironic actually; we have been trying to build our family for over 8 years now, and now that we have one (yes, its a Foster Family, but its still Family), we are acting like all the other parents we know who cant wait for a moment alone with their spouse.
Hopefully I'll find out in a few days if T and I will have a new beginning on the way. It would be a miracle if there was a mini "us" in the world.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
1st try (again)
Well, our first try on Clomid (this round) was a bust. No luck at all. I took the Clomid days 3-7 and started taking Prometrium starting on day 20. I actually felt ill for most of that time, so I thought maybe there was a chance. As it got closer to the time for me to start, I ended up taking a Pregnancy Test (yes, I am addicted to those things) but it was negative. A few days later, I took another one, still negative. Then I waited and waited. I ended up being nearly a week late before I decided to try another one, but it was negative as well. I think the Prometrium kept me from starting.
So, here I am, on Day 4 of a new cycle. I started taking Clomid again last night. I really hope this works out for us.
So, here I am, on Day 4 of a new cycle. I started taking Clomid again last night. I really hope this works out for us.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Thanksgiving
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. We had a GREAT one this year. We have a nice big great room so everyone was able to fit just fine... all 23 of us! I've never hosted Thanksgiving before; I even made the best turkey I've ever tasted! I tried cooking it breast-side down, and it worked BEAUTIFULLY! The only down-side is that no one got to try my turkey (or most of the food) while it was hot, because the person who brought the mashed potatoes and stuffing showed up with un-cooked food AT the time we were supposed to sit down and eat. We did have 3 Foster Kids there for Thanksgiving, so that was really fun to be able to share that with them. They told me that they had never got a Thanksgiving Dinner before.
Today is my Day 10, and I did take Clomid days 3-7, so my fingers are crossed that it will work for us this time. I've started getting Hot Flashes, so that must mean my body is feeling the effects of that fertility drug.
I'll keep y'all posted with whatever happens next!
Today is my Day 10, and I did take Clomid days 3-7, so my fingers are crossed that it will work for us this time. I've started getting Hot Flashes, so that must mean my body is feeling the effects of that fertility drug.
I'll keep y'all posted with whatever happens next!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Hopeful
We had our Dr.'s appointment on Monday. I haven't actually seen him or even told him that we did IVF and what happened with it, so a lot of time was spent telling him what happened during that process. I explained that we did IVF, they grabbed 4 eggs (3 healthy), and they implanted 2 healthy embryos and 1 so-so one. I had to explain that I did get pregnant, but once my body started reacting to the Progesterone Shot (I broke out in a rash) that they changed me to Prometrium, and that is when I really started having problems. I really dont like Prometrium because it hasnt helped me hold on to one pregnancy yet. I also explained that I was upset with my IVF Dr. because he refused to put me on Heparin even though I have a family history of auto-immune disease. After I told him about all of that, I told him that T and I gave up on trying, we gave up for a long time. But when there is something in your heart, and you know it is meant to be, that you can't give up on it. My sister came with me to the Dr. appointment, and I started crying when I told my Dr. that my sister was willing to carry a baby for us. My Dr. was very supportive of what we are trying to do, so he is willing to do IUI, but the cost is more than I thought it would be; it is $500.00 each try! Last I heard, it was only $75.00 each try. So T and I arent sure if we will be able to afford that. I also told my Dr. that I want to try going on Clomid again, and I would like to go on the Progesterone shot AND Heparin this time. He said that he would be willing to prescibe those to me, so that is what we are going to try. I wont start taking Heparin until I am pregnant, so I dont need to worry about that, but the one thing he wanted to change, is instead of the Progesterone shot, he wants me to go on Prometrium again... that stuff just doesnt work, so I dont know what to do in that case. I just really hope that I can get pregnant and hold on to our baby this time.
I actually got up the courage to talk to T about a sperm donor. He looked a little shocked at first, but then he realized why I was asking. He sounds fine with it. So, if it doesnt work this time around with my egg and his sperm, then we may go ahead and try a sperm donor. I guess that way, in the long run, we would find out where the problem really is.... if it's me, if it's him, if it's the combination of the two of us, if its not time yet, or if we will never have our baby.
I actually got up the courage to talk to T about a sperm donor. He looked a little shocked at first, but then he realized why I was asking. He sounds fine with it. So, if it doesnt work this time around with my egg and his sperm, then we may go ahead and try a sperm donor. I guess that way, in the long run, we would find out where the problem really is.... if it's me, if it's him, if it's the combination of the two of us, if its not time yet, or if we will never have our baby.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
A New Path
It's been a while since I've written. In October, we had a little girl come over to our house for over a week. Her normal Foster Parents went on a trip and the state wouldn't allow them to take her. She clicked with us instantly, and we had a great time during that week. The following weekend, a little boy came over who is up for adoption. As much as T and I wanted it to work, it just wasnt a good fit. I really thought we would be happy doing this Foster stuff, but so far, it hasnt been quite what we thought.
We have decided to try again. I am extremely excited about this, because T and I both have this need in our life. My sister said that she would carry our baby, but we cant afford to do IVF again, and its even more expensive when it comes to surrogate. I have an appointment with my Dr. next week to see what he can do for us. I really dont know if it's me, or if it's T, or a combination of the two. I've thought about asking T if we should try a sperm donor to see if I could carry a baby for us that way, but I'm not really sure what he would think about that. I mean, in a sense, where my sister would be using her egg and his sperm, the baby wouldn't be mine (yes, it would be conceived because of our love); so wouldnt it be the same if we used a donor?
There is a lot going on in our life right now. T is going in a whole new direction in his career, the economy sucks, so its hard to pay bills right now; but if we could make our dream come true, we would sell our house if we needed to and get into something smaller. I really hope our new path will help lead us to our goal, our baby.
We have decided to try again. I am extremely excited about this, because T and I both have this need in our life. My sister said that she would carry our baby, but we cant afford to do IVF again, and its even more expensive when it comes to surrogate. I have an appointment with my Dr. next week to see what he can do for us. I really dont know if it's me, or if it's T, or a combination of the two. I've thought about asking T if we should try a sperm donor to see if I could carry a baby for us that way, but I'm not really sure what he would think about that. I mean, in a sense, where my sister would be using her egg and his sperm, the baby wouldn't be mine (yes, it would be conceived because of our love); so wouldnt it be the same if we used a donor?
There is a lot going on in our life right now. T is going in a whole new direction in his career, the economy sucks, so its hard to pay bills right now; but if we could make our dream come true, we would sell our house if we needed to and get into something smaller. I really hope our new path will help lead us to our goal, our baby.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Maybe
I found out a few days ago that my hubby was just teasing about throwing away my FertilAid. We've talked a few times again about trying, but I'm still not really sure what we're going to do. I wish I could come up with the money to try IVF again; I would do the shared-risk plan this time for sure. We are talking about selling our home in February, maybe we could use the equity from that and do IVF. My problem is that I want to make sure we have a nice place to live - to raise a family. We are officially certified Foster Parents now, so we are just waiting for "the call." We are also looking into Foster-to-Adopt, but I'm not sure what situations "T" and I can handle. I've always been a person who has to "look before I leap." I usually have to know what I'm getting into, and know that I can handle it. Afterall, I dont want to cause more harm than good - especially when it comes to little kids that need some regularity in their life.
I truly want to be a mother; in fact, I would call it more a need than a want. I may order some FertilAid and start up on that again, it wouldnt hurt to get my insides all in shape again. Even if it doesnt result in pregnancy, at least I may feel better. Then if "T" and I decide we for sure want to try again, my body may be more willing to accept a pregnancy.
I truly want to be a mother; in fact, I would call it more a need than a want. I may order some FertilAid and start up on that again, it wouldnt hurt to get my insides all in shape again. Even if it doesnt result in pregnancy, at least I may feel better. Then if "T" and I decide we for sure want to try again, my body may be more willing to accept a pregnancy.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Is giving up an option?
I've been looking all over the house for my FertilAid the last couple of weeks. A couple of nights ago I finally asked "T" if he threw it away. "Yes." I asked him why he threw it away, and he said that its because he is done trying.
I can understand that he doesnt want to go through the pain anymore... I dont want anymore pain either, but can we really just give up? He doesnt want us to have a child and be too old to play with him/her, but... we are still in our 20's.. even 30's arent too old.... so I dont understand how we could be too old as it is. We have been trying for over 7 years, and we have had many, many heartaches, but it only takes one time to get it right.
We're still waiting around for the Foster people to call us. We're approved Foster Parents, and our main contact lady told us that there are multiple children each day who need homes, so I'm not sure why they havent called us yet. We are eagerly waiting to help children who need us.
I've also been thinking more about maybe finding a surrogate. We can't really afford something like that... but maybe a friend or family member would be willing to do IUI; I know it would be her egg (which she might not go for), but it could result in my and T's baby. I've also thought a little about having me do IUI with someone else's sperm... I'm not completely sure where we're failing here... Is it me? Is it T? Is it the combination of our genes? Or is it something completely different? Are T and I here on earth to have this heartache over and over again? Is this really our HELL (if there is one)?
He wants to give up right now, will he come around? I still have visions of babies... I dream of being pregnant, holding our little ones, tucking them into bed, taking them to Disneyland, surprising them at Christmas time... I have these dreams, day and night.... daily. If I were to get pregnant and the baby ended up in my tube again, I know I could die... but I don't care... I knew early enough last time that there was a problem. I'm sure I could catch it again. If I let myself give up right now, will it destress me enough that I could fall pregnant on my own? If I give up on this dream, am I giving up on myself? I dont wish this pain on anyone... Couples out there that have the gift of being parents should cherish their children.
Hopefully we'll hear something about Foster children soon... T and I are excited to take them shopping to decorate their rooms.
I can understand that he doesnt want to go through the pain anymore... I dont want anymore pain either, but can we really just give up? He doesnt want us to have a child and be too old to play with him/her, but... we are still in our 20's.. even 30's arent too old.... so I dont understand how we could be too old as it is. We have been trying for over 7 years, and we have had many, many heartaches, but it only takes one time to get it right.
We're still waiting around for the Foster people to call us. We're approved Foster Parents, and our main contact lady told us that there are multiple children each day who need homes, so I'm not sure why they havent called us yet. We are eagerly waiting to help children who need us.
I've also been thinking more about maybe finding a surrogate. We can't really afford something like that... but maybe a friend or family member would be willing to do IUI; I know it would be her egg (which she might not go for), but it could result in my and T's baby. I've also thought a little about having me do IUI with someone else's sperm... I'm not completely sure where we're failing here... Is it me? Is it T? Is it the combination of our genes? Or is it something completely different? Are T and I here on earth to have this heartache over and over again? Is this really our HELL (if there is one)?
He wants to give up right now, will he come around? I still have visions of babies... I dream of being pregnant, holding our little ones, tucking them into bed, taking them to Disneyland, surprising them at Christmas time... I have these dreams, day and night.... daily. If I were to get pregnant and the baby ended up in my tube again, I know I could die... but I don't care... I knew early enough last time that there was a problem. I'm sure I could catch it again. If I let myself give up right now, will it destress me enough that I could fall pregnant on my own? If I give up on this dream, am I giving up on myself? I dont wish this pain on anyone... Couples out there that have the gift of being parents should cherish their children.
Hopefully we'll hear something about Foster children soon... T and I are excited to take them shopping to decorate their rooms.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Who makes the call anyway??
"T" and I have been going through all the classes and changing things in our home so we are qualified Foster Parents. We actually completed the classes in October of '07, but its been a really slow process ever since. We're hoping to have our final home study sometime within the next week. I am excited about being able to help little kids, but I still really want children of my own. I've never tried drugs or anything like that, so what on earth would cause me to not be able to conceive (and carry) children? "T" and I have worked very hard the last 7 years to accomplish this, but some days it feels like it is completely out of reach; while other days it feels like something we can still do. Its really hard to want something so badly, try for so long, have it run your life, and fear that you will never achieve it.
Who decides who can and who can't anyway? Over the years I've lost faith in what I used to believe in. I know some people's faith grows stronger, and I am glad for those people. But as for me, I have lost my belief in God. I no longer believe one exists. I know people say that God only gives people challenges they can handle, but I don't believe that. I look at world events, people I know, and even "T" and my challenges... Why would a God put "his children" on this earth to suffer? I know if I were a parent I would do anything possible to keep my children from pain. My parents have always done everything possible to keep me and my siblings away from pain - at least anything they could control. If there were a God, wouldnt he be the one creating many of the challenges? In my case Infertility, in other peoples case - starvation, rape, torture. People go through these things every day. If HE only gives challenges to people that HE knows they can handle, then why is there suicide?
I know a lot of people may get mad at me for saying these things. I'm not here to judge people for their believes, and I don't want people to judge me for mine. I am glad there are people out there that do believe in God, I used to be one of them. I am a good person; just because I dont believe there is God anymore doesnt make me a bad person; I just don't believe the same as you may.
There would only be one way I could ever believe in God again. He would have to get his butt down here and talk to "T" and me, tell us why we can't share the same experiences as (almost) all of Humanity has. Tell me why we have spent tens of thousands of dollars to achieve our dream to just have it all cause more pain when we lose our babies. Show me what my little angels look like in Heaven. Show me that it is all going to be ok, and there is a good reason for all of this pain. And then he'd have to answer a whole lot of questions that I have... Why did you decide the "T"and I have to go through all of these struggles to build our family? How can you put humanity through all the pain they have gone through throughout history?
Thats all for today, I just had to get this off my chest.
Who decides who can and who can't anyway? Over the years I've lost faith in what I used to believe in. I know some people's faith grows stronger, and I am glad for those people. But as for me, I have lost my belief in God. I no longer believe one exists. I know people say that God only gives people challenges they can handle, but I don't believe that. I look at world events, people I know, and even "T" and my challenges... Why would a God put "his children" on this earth to suffer? I know if I were a parent I would do anything possible to keep my children from pain. My parents have always done everything possible to keep me and my siblings away from pain - at least anything they could control. If there were a God, wouldnt he be the one creating many of the challenges? In my case Infertility, in other peoples case - starvation, rape, torture. People go through these things every day. If HE only gives challenges to people that HE knows they can handle, then why is there suicide?
I know a lot of people may get mad at me for saying these things. I'm not here to judge people for their believes, and I don't want people to judge me for mine. I am glad there are people out there that do believe in God, I used to be one of them. I am a good person; just because I dont believe there is God anymore doesnt make me a bad person; I just don't believe the same as you may.
There would only be one way I could ever believe in God again. He would have to get his butt down here and talk to "T" and me, tell us why we can't share the same experiences as (almost) all of Humanity has. Tell me why we have spent tens of thousands of dollars to achieve our dream to just have it all cause more pain when we lose our babies. Show me what my little angels look like in Heaven. Show me that it is all going to be ok, and there is a good reason for all of this pain. And then he'd have to answer a whole lot of questions that I have... Why did you decide the "T"and I have to go through all of these struggles to build our family? How can you put humanity through all the pain they have gone through throughout history?
Thats all for today, I just had to get this off my chest.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Capital F
It took a while to recover from my tubal. I was scared to try again because I knew that if I got pregnant again and it ended up in my tube, it could kill me. But can I really just give up? "T" and I decided to sell our home and buy a new one. We decided to use money from the sell of our house for IVF. Before we could sell our home "T" took out money from his 401K and we went to an IVF Dr. He started running tests and we put about $4,000 into it. I started the birth control (that you use the month before the IVF cycle) and during that month, an unfortunate event happened to my Dr. so he couldnt do the cycle. I had already bought the medication, and now I have nowhere to turn. In February we finally sold our home and bought a new one. We went to another center and spent about $14,000 on an IVF cycle. I only had 4 eggs, 1 wasnt viable. 3 Fertilized, 1 was perfect, 1 was so-so, and 1 was crap. My Dr. implanted all 3... We got Pregnant!
I knew it would work, I just knew it! I stayed home for about a month. I'm a paranoid freak, but I know that stress is a huge problem when it comes to pregnancy. I am queen worry-wart. But I feel I have every right to be with everything "T" and I have been through. I started spotting a few days later. I called the Dr.'s office and they told me that it is normal to spot in an IVF cycle. The spotting didnt stop, it got worse. I called my Dr.'s every other day and told them. They kept telling me there was nothing to worry about.... Are they really telling ME there is nothing to worry about???? I've had 6 problem pregnancies, do they really not think I would know? Well to make the story a little shorter, I did miscarry. I made an appointment with the Dr. and told them I was miscarrying. When I went in they did and Ultrasound, no baby in uterus anymore, but there MAY have been a 2nd baby in my tube... they couldnt tell if it was or not. I passed everything pretty quickly. Hmm... 7 miscarriages, 7 years of trying... I guess it all sums up with one word.... Failure. I'm a Failure with a Capital F. Every creature on earth was brought here for a purpose. We all learned this in school. We were brought here to reproduce. What if "T" and I can never reproduce? What if we never have a little "TK" (I'm K) running around? There needs to be a little "TK" in the world... at least 1...
I knew it would work, I just knew it! I stayed home for about a month. I'm a paranoid freak, but I know that stress is a huge problem when it comes to pregnancy. I am queen worry-wart. But I feel I have every right to be with everything "T" and I have been through. I started spotting a few days later. I called the Dr.'s office and they told me that it is normal to spot in an IVF cycle. The spotting didnt stop, it got worse. I called my Dr.'s every other day and told them. They kept telling me there was nothing to worry about.... Are they really telling ME there is nothing to worry about???? I've had 6 problem pregnancies, do they really not think I would know? Well to make the story a little shorter, I did miscarry. I made an appointment with the Dr. and told them I was miscarrying. When I went in they did and Ultrasound, no baby in uterus anymore, but there MAY have been a 2nd baby in my tube... they couldnt tell if it was or not. I passed everything pretty quickly. Hmm... 7 miscarriages, 7 years of trying... I guess it all sums up with one word.... Failure. I'm a Failure with a Capital F. Every creature on earth was brought here for a purpose. We all learned this in school. We were brought here to reproduce. What if "T" and I can never reproduce? What if we never have a little "TK" (I'm K) running around? There needs to be a little "TK" in the world... at least 1...
I knew this one was different
After my 2nd miscarriage I had 3 more. These 3 were a little different because I didnt even make it far enough to even have a Dr.'s appointment. All 3 were conceived on Clomid. I decided to try Clomid again, after all it is the only thing that has worked for me... I tried it for 3 more months and in April 2007, during the last week of that cycle, I started taking Fertilaid. Preggo! I felt different with this one... I started feeling sick immediately, but to me it was amazing. I hadnt had morning sickness with any of my other pregnancies so I knew this one was different. I called up my Dr.'s office and they immediately had me come in for a pregnancy test... just a test... but at least they would know for sure that I was pregnant. The result came back just fine. I was in heaven (pretty sick, but still... heaven). I celebrated my 24th birthday, everything was great - I was pregnant, my husband and I were really happy... life couldn't be better! On May 10, 2007 I woke up to go to work and I immediately had lower abdomen EXTREME pain. I lay in bed on my back and I remember clutching the sheets as hard as I could. My husband was in the shower. I lay there thinking "this is all in my head, this is all in my head, i'm just a paranoid freak." The pain kept getting stronger and stronger. I kept moving around trying to find a position that I could get away from the pain. I got up on my knees. The pain was so bad I started bawling. When "T" got out of the shower he could here me crying. He came in the bedroom and I told him what it felt like. He told me that I needed to go to the E.R. I told him it would probably go away, and that I just needed to settle down. As he got dressed, I tried standing up... NOTHING could make the pain stop, and it was just getting worse! I finally agreed that I needed to go to the E.R. "T" helped me put on some of his sweats, and he drove me to the E.R.
As soon as I got there, they asked me what the problem was. I explained that I have horrible pain in my right lower side, and I think it is a tubal. They made me lay in a bed for about an hour and a half with that pain. They said I needed to fill my bladder for an Ultrasound. So I laid there, chugging as much water as I could stand. When I finally had my bladder full, they took me in. The Ultrasound guy asked me what the problem was. I told him that I had a tubal, of course he didnt believe me. After all, why believe someone who's been through as many pregnancies (that ended badly) as me??? He couldnt see anything, so I then had to empty my bladder for a vaginal ultrasound. When he started that test, he had the sound on. He pointed it at my right tube. I was watching his reaction on his face. He had the sound on too, so when he pointed it at my right tube, you should have seen his reaction. He saw my baby in my tube, and you could hear a little something too. He quickly turned off the sound and immediately called his boss. His boss came in, and they sat there trying to figure out what to do, and how to tell me. I lay there in the bed looking up at My Husbands face, and the faces of the 2 technicians. They were all the same, and I'm no dumby... I knew what it was. They took me out of that room, and started getting me ready for a scope. They were going to cut me open, kill my baby, and remove it from me. Of course that was the only option... I was just lucky that my tube hadnt actually burst. I'm in tune with my body enough to know when something is wrong. But I keep thinking about it... They went in and killed my baby, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. This baby is the healthiest one I have ever carried and yet they have to kill it to save my life??? They put me under and the next thing I knew I was starting to wake up. They were able to save my tube, but they broke my heart.
As soon as I got there, they asked me what the problem was. I explained that I have horrible pain in my right lower side, and I think it is a tubal. They made me lay in a bed for about an hour and a half with that pain. They said I needed to fill my bladder for an Ultrasound. So I laid there, chugging as much water as I could stand. When I finally had my bladder full, they took me in. The Ultrasound guy asked me what the problem was. I told him that I had a tubal, of course he didnt believe me. After all, why believe someone who's been through as many pregnancies (that ended badly) as me??? He couldnt see anything, so I then had to empty my bladder for a vaginal ultrasound. When he started that test, he had the sound on. He pointed it at my right tube. I was watching his reaction on his face. He had the sound on too, so when he pointed it at my right tube, you should have seen his reaction. He saw my baby in my tube, and you could hear a little something too. He quickly turned off the sound and immediately called his boss. His boss came in, and they sat there trying to figure out what to do, and how to tell me. I lay there in the bed looking up at My Husbands face, and the faces of the 2 technicians. They were all the same, and I'm no dumby... I knew what it was. They took me out of that room, and started getting me ready for a scope. They were going to cut me open, kill my baby, and remove it from me. Of course that was the only option... I was just lucky that my tube hadnt actually burst. I'm in tune with my body enough to know when something is wrong. But I keep thinking about it... They went in and killed my baby, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. This baby is the healthiest one I have ever carried and yet they have to kill it to save my life??? They put me under and the next thing I knew I was starting to wake up. They were able to save my tube, but they broke my heart.
Once... Twice...
A few months went by since our loss and we decided to start trying again. We tried for a few months naturally and then decided to go back on Clomid. Since it worked once, why wouldnt it work again? We started taking it the middle of June. On the 3rd of July we had a yard sale at my sister's house. It was SO hot outside, I had to keep going in the house. Everyone just thought I was being a baby for needing to go in the cold house. Toward the end of the sale, I was helping clean things up a bit and started to get dizzy. I yelled at "T" and he came and helped me in the house. Boy, am I this much of a baby? I cant handle any heat?
The next morning, I got up early and started to work-out. I put in my TAI-BO DVD and started kicking and punching. A few minutes into it I got a terrible pain in my lower-abdomen. No way can this be coincidence. I stopped working out, took a bath and headed off the store for some Fireworks and the oh-so-addicting pregnancy test. When I got home I took the pregnancy test and immediately got the positive result. The first month we went on Clomid, we found out we were pregnant. Wow... worked in one month this time. WOO-HOO!! I did tell my family and co-workers right away, but I was nervous that something bad would happen. While I was nervous I also thought - no way could it happen again. I started seeing my Dr for my prenatal visits. I told him I was nervous that it would happen again and he assured me that everything felt fine. Again, he didnt want to do an Ultrasound. You guessed it... I made it to 8 weeks and had another miscarriage.
The next morning, I got up early and started to work-out. I put in my TAI-BO DVD and started kicking and punching. A few minutes into it I got a terrible pain in my lower-abdomen. No way can this be coincidence. I stopped working out, took a bath and headed off the store for some Fireworks and the oh-so-addicting pregnancy test. When I got home I took the pregnancy test and immediately got the positive result. The first month we went on Clomid, we found out we were pregnant. Wow... worked in one month this time. WOO-HOO!! I did tell my family and co-workers right away, but I was nervous that something bad would happen. While I was nervous I also thought - no way could it happen again. I started seeing my Dr for my prenatal visits. I told him I was nervous that it would happen again and he assured me that everything felt fine. Again, he didnt want to do an Ultrasound. You guessed it... I made it to 8 weeks and had another miscarriage.
I have to take back your Christmas present
We had our first prenatal visit when I was almost 9 weeks along. "T" and I went together because we were hoping our Dr. would do an Ultrasound. It was a Friday, so we just took the day off to spend the whole day together. We begged, but he refused to do an Ultrasound. He told us that everything was growing exactly as it should and that everything was fine.
The next day, I started feeling really crappy. I started cramping and spotting. I was pretty worried - thats not a good sign. I called the Dr. and they said it was just from the exam. Sunday night I started passing tissue. I couldnt believe this was happening. Never in a million years would I think I would have a miscarriage. Monday morning I called into work and said that I had to go to the Dr. "T" and I went in and told him that I thought I was miscarrying. He finally did the Ultrasound. He said everything looked like I was pregnant, but he couldnt see the baby. I told him I had passed tissue, and he said that most likely I had already lost my little one. He told me to go up to the Hospital to have my blood drawn. "T" and I just sat there with tears filling our eyes. This can't be happening. It's just a bad dream. We left the Dr.'s office, and neither one of us could drive, we just sat in our car and broke down. We drove to my mom and dad's house so that one of them could take me to the hospital; we were in no condition to drive. We pulled up in their drive way. Neither one of us wanted to go in and tell them, but we knew it had to be done. We walked up their stairs and opened the door. My dad met us at the door with a big grin on his face - he didnt know anything was wrong. My face was filled with tears, and his happy face turned to one of concern. I didnt know how to say it, so I just blurted out "I have to take back your Christmas present" as I broke down. My dad held me as I fell, I sat there crying and could hardly breath. I looked over at "T" and he sat on the couch crying as well. I've never seen my husband cry - even when his dad passed away, he never shed a tear when I was around. My Dad went in and told my mom what was happening. He knew neither of us could say it again. My mom took me to the Hospital for the blood work. "T" stayed home with my dad.
The Dr. monitored my blood for the next few days and decided to give me the Methotrexate shot. He said that something was lingering in there that needed to come out. After the shot, my levels were still not dropping, so he did a D&C. My first miscarriage lasted about 3 weeks. This pain will never go away, as I type this now - I am crying.
The next day, I started feeling really crappy. I started cramping and spotting. I was pretty worried - thats not a good sign. I called the Dr. and they said it was just from the exam. Sunday night I started passing tissue. I couldnt believe this was happening. Never in a million years would I think I would have a miscarriage. Monday morning I called into work and said that I had to go to the Dr. "T" and I went in and told him that I thought I was miscarrying. He finally did the Ultrasound. He said everything looked like I was pregnant, but he couldnt see the baby. I told him I had passed tissue, and he said that most likely I had already lost my little one. He told me to go up to the Hospital to have my blood drawn. "T" and I just sat there with tears filling our eyes. This can't be happening. It's just a bad dream. We left the Dr.'s office, and neither one of us could drive, we just sat in our car and broke down. We drove to my mom and dad's house so that one of them could take me to the hospital; we were in no condition to drive. We pulled up in their drive way. Neither one of us wanted to go in and tell them, but we knew it had to be done. We walked up their stairs and opened the door. My dad met us at the door with a big grin on his face - he didnt know anything was wrong. My face was filled with tears, and his happy face turned to one of concern. I didnt know how to say it, so I just blurted out "I have to take back your Christmas present" as I broke down. My dad held me as I fell, I sat there crying and could hardly breath. I looked over at "T" and he sat on the couch crying as well. I've never seen my husband cry - even when his dad passed away, he never shed a tear when I was around. My Dad went in and told my mom what was happening. He knew neither of us could say it again. My mom took me to the Hospital for the blood work. "T" stayed home with my dad.
The Dr. monitored my blood for the next few days and decided to give me the Methotrexate shot. He said that something was lingering in there that needed to come out. After the shot, my levels were still not dropping, so he did a D&C. My first miscarriage lasted about 3 weeks. This pain will never go away, as I type this now - I am crying.
The Beginning - a Christmas Wish
I'd like to first start off telling you about my story. I married the love of my life (we'll call him "T") in 2001. We both wanted kids right away, so we've never done anything to prevent getting pregnant. A couple of months went by, and it occured to me that nothing had happened yet. I let a few more months go by, and after a year I started seeing a new Dr. I heard that he had helped some women with their struggles, so I thought he would be a good Dr. to see. When I started seeing him he put me through a couple of tests, and after a few weeks of tests he decided he didnt want to help me. He was an older Dr. and didnt have the energy to try and figure out why we weren't getting pregnant.
I started looking for another Dr., I looked through the phone book, called around, everything I could think of. Finally, one of my old co-workers told me that her mom worked for a Dr. who helped a lot of women with their infertility. I decided to give him a try. I made my appointment, talked to him and he was interested in my case. Here, I was a 19 year old who couldnt get pregnant. In his eyes it would be easy, and I believed him. During this time, we were also building our first home. We knew we needed something to build our family in. We moved in to our new little starter home in October of 2003. All this time we had been trying naturally when finally my Dr. decided to put my on Clomid. I was nervous about trying this because I heard bad things about it. Well, it worked for us, I found out December 19, 2004 that we were pregnant - our baby was due on August 27, 2005!!! My husband and I were ecstatic! We could even tell the family for Christmas that there was a little girl or boy on the way. We bought some bibs and baby bottles and placed them in two seperate Christmas bags; one labeled for my mom and one for my dad. I told everyone at work because I couldn't keep it a secret. There was another co-worker who was a couple of months along, so I could talk to her about everything. She was excited that I was pregnant because she knew how long I had been trying.
On Christmas morning, we all wake up early and go to mom and dad's house... we're all a bunch of kids who cant wait to see what we got! We got all the presents situated, "T" and I had to two bags hidden under our chairs so that no one could see what was in them. We wanted those two presents to be the last ones opened that morning. Well, by the time everyone sat down we couldnt wait anymore. I stood up with the two bags and asked everyone if I could give the first gifts to mom and dad. No one objected, so I handed them their bags. I told them they had to open them at the same time, so they both reached into their bags and pulled out the gifts. They looked at the gifts and looked up at my hubby and I with confused faces. Both of us had huge grins on our faces and said "You guys are going to my grandparents." Now, I should clarify... they already had 3 grandsons, so it wouldnt have been their first, but it would have been my first.
Everyone teared up. All of my brothers and sisters were there, my nephews, my grandma, and my parents were all there giving us hugs with tear filled eyes. When "T" and I hugged my parents, we said "Merry Christmas." It was a great Christmas, everyone had grins on their faces because there was so much joy in everyone's hearts. For New Years, "T" and I bought a crib. Its a cute little white crib that we bought a K-Mart. Nothing fancy, but it is oh-so-cute. We bought the sheet set and matching mobile to go with it. It was so much fun setting up in our babies room.
I started looking for another Dr., I looked through the phone book, called around, everything I could think of. Finally, one of my old co-workers told me that her mom worked for a Dr. who helped a lot of women with their infertility. I decided to give him a try. I made my appointment, talked to him and he was interested in my case. Here, I was a 19 year old who couldnt get pregnant. In his eyes it would be easy, and I believed him. During this time, we were also building our first home. We knew we needed something to build our family in. We moved in to our new little starter home in October of 2003. All this time we had been trying naturally when finally my Dr. decided to put my on Clomid. I was nervous about trying this because I heard bad things about it. Well, it worked for us, I found out December 19, 2004 that we were pregnant - our baby was due on August 27, 2005!!! My husband and I were ecstatic! We could even tell the family for Christmas that there was a little girl or boy on the way. We bought some bibs and baby bottles and placed them in two seperate Christmas bags; one labeled for my mom and one for my dad. I told everyone at work because I couldn't keep it a secret. There was another co-worker who was a couple of months along, so I could talk to her about everything. She was excited that I was pregnant because she knew how long I had been trying.
On Christmas morning, we all wake up early and go to mom and dad's house... we're all a bunch of kids who cant wait to see what we got! We got all the presents situated, "T" and I had to two bags hidden under our chairs so that no one could see what was in them. We wanted those two presents to be the last ones opened that morning. Well, by the time everyone sat down we couldnt wait anymore. I stood up with the two bags and asked everyone if I could give the first gifts to mom and dad. No one objected, so I handed them their bags. I told them they had to open them at the same time, so they both reached into their bags and pulled out the gifts. They looked at the gifts and looked up at my hubby and I with confused faces. Both of us had huge grins on our faces and said "You guys are going to my grandparents." Now, I should clarify... they already had 3 grandsons, so it wouldnt have been their first, but it would have been my first.
Everyone teared up. All of my brothers and sisters were there, my nephews, my grandma, and my parents were all there giving us hugs with tear filled eyes. When "T" and I hugged my parents, we said "Merry Christmas." It was a great Christmas, everyone had grins on their faces because there was so much joy in everyone's hearts. For New Years, "T" and I bought a crib. Its a cute little white crib that we bought a K-Mart. Nothing fancy, but it is oh-so-cute. We bought the sheet set and matching mobile to go with it. It was so much fun setting up in our babies room.
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